Profilectlx.Carlene Tan Li Xuan 11th July 1988. Currently 23+. Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School, SRJC (first 3 months), TPJC, NUS FASS (econs). loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.
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Saturday, April 30, 2005Looking back, i regret certain actions.Looking back, i find myself so immature. Looking back, i hardly knew what kind of person i was. Looking back, i find my greatest memories. Whenever something goes wrong, it's always the fault of others, how many times have we actually questioned ourselves if we're at fault or not? I admit, i was seriously an immature thing in the past. I never wanted to admit to anything even if the fault really lies within me. Now, i find myself self-blaming more than ever. My mum was really hurt by how my sister rebuted her today during an argument. I figured she must have felt the extent of the sacrifices she's made for this family and i understand. But because she isn't the open sort of person so she can't accept anything differing from her views and that's what my sister loves to do, disagreeing and rebuting. I guess she went a little off board today, but i know deep down she never meant it to sound the way she said it, but my mum just refuses to listen. *sigh* It's so contradicting, on the surface, both my sis and i act as though we're forever disagreeing with my mum and forever making her mad, or so she thinks. And she's never taken any of our kind acts to heart. She was complaning that we're forever blaming others first, that we don't take responsibility of our own work and only know how to complain. I agree, i complain, other than that, there's really nothing i can agree. I do blame myself, but she just doens't know, and even if i told her, she'll probably think i'm insincere or merely being sacarstic. She keeps thinking i'm attached, not that i really bother, but just look, i mean do i look attached? She's sp suspicious that even when i go for trainings outside school, she thinks i'm socialising. i mean come on, i know what i should do and what i shouldn't. I'm not saying she should let me have freedom, but at least, she should know her child better than that, how can I ever be attached. sheesh. its simply ridiculous! I just hope she shakes off that idea. Now everytime i sms, she thinks i'm smsing my "bf". Oh please, i know she's just worried, but its getting on my nerves! Every little movement i make, she relates it to be having a "bf". argh!!!! Okay, i admit, i'm a lousy daughter, lousy friend, lousy advisor, i hardly excel at anything and i'm not the kind of daughter my mum wants me to be. but i'm trying, i really am, but its so hard cos she doesn't even want to trust me. I know i must change, i gotta change this horrible temper of mine, gotta be more patient, gotta be more hardworking, bascially, more of everything. Generally speaking, i gotta improve myself in all aspects. *weeps* Now, my prayers. 1. i thank God for letting my dad discharge from the hospital, now i pray that he may keep his health is good condition. 2. i pray for all the guy team members playing on tues. may they keep calm and do their best, which i know they will. :) 3. i pray for cindy whose leaving on 3rd of may for HK tt she'll have a smooth journey. 4. i pray for my friends in the other JCs that they may all cope with their studies and handle the stress well. 5. i pray for my siblings and i that we may soon know how to be better children. there are so many more people i must pray for, and i can't possibly list them all down. For now, i'm just thankful God gave me 3 best friends and i'm sure they know who they are (better not say the names, later they happy until they burst. haha!) and i'm thankful i found someone i can relate to in class. *grinz* yup, that's all now, tc everyone! *hugz* dear diary, i'm finally lightening up, today's training was much better, as in me and mei yi seemed to have improved. Hmm, maybe cause we have the same goal in mind. Somehow, in a small way or another, things seem to be brightening up and i'm starting to feel there's hope for the team to be united. i hope i'm not proven wrong. =X okay, can't say much now, kinda tired. i'll update soon. ciao! Monday, April 25, 2005dear diary,the whole of today, i was walking dizzyly around school, cos i think i'm losing a lil too much blood, if u get what i mean.. hehe... yup, so i was giddy in class, giddy especially during phy prac!!! i think my eyes are crossed!! the stupid practical and my stupid brain... seriously i did a reading 5 times after which i found out there wasn't a need to cos that reading just couldn't be taken! argh! my goodness knows the what embarrassing story i've attained for myself. sheesh. never mind, i still went for training today, and laura sprained her ankle. poor child, it must have hurt like crazy cos she screamed so loud i could feel her pain... =X okay, anyways, my skills still suck like crazy... i hope a mircle happens otherwise me and mei yi are gonna die. seriously DIE. but i guess the most important thing right now, is to cure her poor ankle. oh man, i'm sort of looking forward to weds, tt kinda tells u that me and mei yi got something up our sleeve rite... hehe *grinz* alright, shall go now, ciao! Saturday, April 23, 2005that's the title of the poem i'll be doing for this year's drama exam. it's a sad poem by the way. Today was alright, my usual saturdays again, piano then drama. initially we were to meet up with my first 3 months classmates but guess the decision was too last minute so many of them couldn't make it, thus we postponed it to next sat, hope it works out.Haven't been on high spirits for the past few days, especially not yesterday. Yesterday was horrible. mei yi broke down. i guess we're both really stressed out. i'm glad i managed to hold back most of my tears though i teared a little. Thank goodness the badminton girls were pretty supportive, at least they didn't ignore us etc, i mean ion fact they counselled and adviced and shared experience which i found quite touching... :) thank you girls! hm, i think its really time me and mei yi gotta work out our strategies and play well. both of us aren't gonna give up, sadly, she sprained her ankle, manage to cajole(new word!) her into nursing tt poor ankle of hers first... hehe... this month's seriously not my month, and for now, besides the competition, upcoming tests and homework, i still gotta pray real hard for my poor grandad whose in the hospital. i hope he'll be okay, i hope the doctors find a way soon. Other then that, i guess there's nothing really much i can write about, except that i want this PMS thing over and done with, and i hope everyone gets their PMS thing over asap. argh!!! sick sick sick. Okay, enough of complaints. Now i shall erm, put lyrics here? haha... just thinking bout some stuff and i like this song anyways; "it's all about you" by Mcfly [Chorus] It's all about you(It's about you) It's all about you, baby(It's all about you) It's all about you(It's about you)It's all about you [Verse 1] Yesterday, you asked me something I thought you knew. So I told you with a smile 'It's all about you' Then you whispered in my ear and you told me to, Say 'If you make my life worthwhile, it's all about you' [Verse 2] And I would answer all you're wishes, if you asked me to. But if you deny me one of your kisses, don't know what I'd do. So hold me close and say three words, like you used to do. ancing on the kitchen tiles, it's all about you. Yeah... [Verse 3] And I would answer all you're wishes, if you asked me to. But if you deny me one of your kisses, don't know what I'd do. So hold me close and say three words, like you used to do. Dancing on the kitchen tiles, Yes you make my life worthwhile, So I told you with a smile...It's all about you. [Chorus] It's all about you(It's about you) It's all about you, baby(It's all about you) It's all about you(It's about you)I t's all about you Tuesday, April 19, 2005i'm pissed with myself. i raised my voice at my student just now, i'm such an impatient freak, seriously i ought to whack myself. argh!!! i don't understand why being a good person is so difficult, i guess my lifetime ambition's gonna be "to be a better person".anyways, today, nothing much happened. i was just sleeping in class... *shhh.. i got caught by my classmate... =X luckily he never say out loud arh, otherwise so embarrassing... hehe... nvm, anyways, i found out today tt my eye candy's attached... *devastated* but oh well, thank goodness he's only an eye candy... *phew* but then arh, he's quite charming leh... *blush* haha! haiya but i give up liao lar... anyways just hope to see my 1st 3 months classmate soon, and hope that i'll successfully plan a gathering for 4/7 soon, and i pray it'll b a seccess... :) well tt's all i've got for today... tc pple! Saturday, April 16, 2005Hey everyone! i'm feeling much better today, thanks for all your concern... as usual, i'm always okay... *grinz*Today was quite tiring, i slept only near 3a.m this morning and woke up at 7+. Went down for breakfast, i ate so much i could puke. Following that, i went home, changed and gt my things ready to go to mei yi's house for group study. Thank goodness i called her before i boarded the bus, know why? Cos she was still in her lala land. haha. Got there and the security guard was a kind soul, he let me in and just asked me to sign in. This security guard was so much nicer than the last 1 i encountered when i went to mei yi's house. We entered the function room to find ourselves at risk of getting thrown out cos they were having a meeting, but in hte end, we stayed there and did math. :) cheryl joined us a while later, talked a bit then settle down and it was math all the way. =) oh! and both me and mei yi aren't out of the team! =D But i'm not all that joyous cos if it isn't us than its some other friends, and we don't feel good. SIGH. i've been sighing so much these days when i keep telling other pple to smile more. how contradicting huh... Piano today kinda stunk cos i just wasn't in the mood for the teacher to boss me around, but i figured it was just her job so i just kept quiet and tried my best to play properly. Drama wasn't too bad, still haven't decided on my poem. Drama was suppose to end at 5.30 but i left at 5 cos i had to go to the stadium, saw mei yi doing shuttle run and i couldn't help pitying them cos they looked so drained, and so cute! haha. hm... sadly, my coach isn't available to teach our college cos she's just too booked. :( Ah well, what to do... Mei yi told me something really amusing, i couldn't help laughing cos she was just so unlucky. Seriously, this is what i term - fate. haha! oops, better don't laugh at her ready, not nice. keke. Well that's all i have. Ciao! *muacks* Friday, April 15, 2005so much has been happening, and i don't know if it's good or bad. one moment i see myself jumping about in joy and the next moment i'll be pmsing.. SIGH... how much i miss 1S16... how very much i miss crapping with him. you know, sometimes its so hrad to let go of the good times and now, i'm so stressed up. i don't have a clue what's going on with econs, my classmates are just so so smart, i've given up hope on my new eye candy and now, both me and mei yi has a high possiblity of getting kicked out of the competition team for badminton. just how wonderful life can get huh...i'm just disappointed, upset, disoriented.. i don't know what to think. argh. i miss SAC like crazy. i initially had quite some stuff to update but now, i'm speechless. gotta regain that whole energetic self soon. meanwhile all of u take good care of yourself ya... i'm just a phonecall away... ;) Saturday, April 09, 2005dear dairy,it seems really long since i last updated right. :) guess i've been too caught up in my work and cca, but i'm totally lost in the work, i don't even think i can understand what the lecturers are talking about, especially math!!! I need serious help, but looking at my everyday schedule, i don't even know when i've got the time to fit in tuition. mon- end sch at 2.10. training at 4.30 tues- end sch at 2.10. giving tuition at 7.15 at night. wed- end sch at 2.10. training at 2.30. thurs- end sch at 4.10. giving tuition later at 7.15 fri- end sch at 2.10. training at 2.30. sat- piano at 1.15/2.30. drama at 4. sun- private training at 10. look at my schedule!!! just how and what time should i fit in tuition??? argh!!! Those are the stuff i've been really worried over, not for the happy things. i'm not suppose to boast cos if i do, then it won't ever happen to me again, but i'm just really happy, so i thought i'd share. :) here goes: 1. HE msged me out of the blue on fri. i was jumping for joy seriously. i couldn't believe it. i was like grinning to myself. i'm glad he's on his feet again. :) 2. I was training till it was near 8 and the CO pple started coming in for their camp, and, i saw m eye candy... *grinz* and i was going a little crazy... sheesh. but oh well, tt perked me up a little more. =) 3. Later at night, when i came online, HE initiated a conversation. and i think i was the happiest person that day. =D Basically i'm just really surprised he remembered there was a me... hehe... but i mean i THINK he's attached, so i just wanna wish him all the best for his running for council and starting of a band. (^.^) And i learnt today that my dearest xiao mei has hurt herself during sea sports... poor sister... haish, but i'm glad she's okay... take care ya cheryl... =) and i hope cindy's alright too... hm... i went to the temple today, i prayed for everybody. :) i hope my 2 bears in sch are studying hard. for chinese especially... =X haha, okay, that's all i've got for now. tc everyone! |